I recently found myself far away from my home and family, serving in Central Asia with the U.S. Army. I've been perched on the fence of Mormonism for several years now and have looked longingly at the seemingly greener grass on the other side. I decided to take this time away as my sabbatical from church activity and try to sort out my current ecclesiastical state and perhaps what my future within Mormonism might look like. This time away has really given me the space to search, ponder, and even pray about my current state of non-belief and what it may mean in the future.

No one in my large, active, Mormon, extended family is aware of the extent of my non-belief. I have been sending them all regular updates over email about my adventures. Some of them write back, asking all kinds of things about this place, my mission, etc… What follows is my response to my sister who has an unwavering testimony of the Restored Gospel and had just given me her outline notes of the recent General Conference. I felt I just had to come clean with her. I love and trust her and felt I could share my heresy with her. What follows is the letter I sent to her.

Hey Sis,

Thanks for the update. Yes Sunday for me is only slightly different than every other day of the week. I end up working 10 to 12 hours instead of the 12 to 16 I usually work. I try to give my guys at least a half-day off so they can go to a church service if they want or just take a small break. I really need to find a way to "feed my spirit" a little more on these long grinding days! My books have arrived and I've got plenty that fit the bill it's just that they stay on the shelf in my tent where I never go until it's late at night and I'm tired and beat by the time I get there and I only want to sleep! So, even though conference doesn't do much for me these days, I appreciate the update. I do need spiritual stimulation and an overview of the weekend's talks did a nice job of helping me to reflect on many important principles.

I have this burning desire inside to communicate and be understood (don't we all!) and I only have about 1 or 2 acquaintances that I can really spar with intellectually and emotionally. My wife is one of them. We actually don't "spar" she and I, but she is my closest confidant and she listens to all my crazy philosophies and doubts and loves me anyway. I find myself with this massive distribution list of people I send updates out to (by the way, these updates take a lot of hard work! I think you can appreciate that) and I get responses from only a handful of them. I can count on one hand with lots of spare fingers how many folks actually put any effort into communicating back, responding to what I've offered. So, when I'm feeling uninhibited, I try to throw things out there that may generate a response, good or bad. I know you are worried about my recent expressions of doubt about the gospel. I'd like to bend your ear a little and share my feelings about all this.

Let me try to explain my heresy. I know it's not pleasant but once this conversation has started it won't go away until we are comfortable with each other's views. Many will just ignore it, like an elephant in the room, balanced on it's stool in the corner, while the occupants go on pleasantly with their conversation pretending for all the world as if there is nothing out of place at all. So, I'd like to take just a couple of paragraphs to explain my current spiritual, or more accurately "ecclesiastical" standing. My goal here is not necessarily that anyone should agree with me. We are individuals and our spiritual journeys are largely personal ones. It's not my desire to "convert" anyone to my way of thinking. However, like you wanting me to understand what is so special to you, I'd like to be at least respected and understood as a sensible, thoughtful, and good man. One who has arrived at his "conclusions" through much effort, thought, observation, and yes, even prayer. I understand that in our church we are taught that the way we find spiritual truth is to examine something with an open heart and mind and the Holy Ghost can bear witness to the truthfulness of that concept or principle. I also understand, quite clearly, how hard it is, once we have received this witness in our hearts, to understand how anyone else who is honest, open, sincere, and seeking can come to a different conclusion. Especially if they had this "truth" in their heart at one point! After all, if something is absolutely true and the spirit led me to it, then it follows that anyone else who looks at what I looked at with an open heart, prays sincerely, and listens carefully for the promptings of the spirit, will be led to these very same truths. So, I know that when I seek to be understood as someone who has come to his "beliefs" sincerely, thoughtfully, prayerfully, and with an open heart and has come up with some very different conclusions than you, that I have a difficult task indeed. I merely want to be respected as a good, sincere, person who is not deceived or led astray because of some secret sin or indiscretion. I came to my beliefs on my own without any undue influence from Satan, drugs, or infidelity!

I'm far from perfect and I admit that I have issues with things like the word of wisdom and other church standards (occasionally when I get really angry I still remember how to swear like a Marine, not proud of this but it's me). I'm being so indiscreetly honest merely to lay all the spiritual cards on the table so when you are racking your brains trying to figure out what must be keeping me from feeling the spirit you'll have all the critical information. I am being unfair here. I have no right to accuse you of thinking this way. However, I've been there! I've thought those things. I remember being a young missionary in New Orleans when we tracted out a member family. We immediately recognized the husband from church. His wife however, we'd never seen before. They invited us in and gave us lunch while we had a long talk. This sister was born and raised in the church and went on a mission. She was now married with a small son and living with her husband who she met while in the mission field. She had dropped into complete inactivity about a year before and said she simply no longer believed. We talked and we asked and you know me, the reasonable one, the peacemaker, I tried so hard to listen to her point of view and understand why she no longer believed. Something about polygamy not just being a social phenomenon but the actual order of the celestial kingdom, she couldn't accept a God who viewed his daughters as second-class citizens, etc. I don't remember exactly. I do remember very clearly wondering with all my heart, "here is a good woman, lives the gospel in just about every respect, went on a mission, definitely had a testimony and felt the spirit, what happened? I wonder what is wrong with her? How can she let a silly question about doctrine erode what she "knows" to be true?" I tell this story merely to illustrate the point that I know what it's like to be on one side of a testimony looking at someone on the other and wondering what is "wrong."

You see I'm a lot like this woman in the story. I just no longer believe. I've had doctrinal doubts for years and years. I've struggled with them. Prayed about them. Read and re-read the scriptures. I've tried to square what developed in my heart and mind with what was the doctrine of the church and just couldn't. In fact, the harder I prayed and studied and read and thought, the farther away from the mainstream church I became! One of my periods of steepest decline in belief was a couple of years ago when my wife was teaching Gospel Doctrine in our ward, Book of Mormon to be exact. I helped her prepare the lessons and so we read the text very carefully together. Some of the things I saw that I'd wondered about before just jumped out at me and screamed for an explanation. I saw so much that I couldn't believe was inspired. People's skin color changing after a couple of generations of wickedness or righteousness for instance (not to mention the text being edited from the 1981 version that referred to God's people as "white and delightsome" to the current "fair and delightsome.") Anyway, I'll not catalog my problems with the book, they are truly not important for this discussion. I want to respect what is special to you so I'll not elaborate on the things that led me to further doubt the divine claims of this book. My opinion about its doctrines or my views about its origin shouldn't necessarily have any bearing on your experience with the Book of Mormon. I merely point out that before I ever read anything critical about the Book of Mormon I saw things within it and about it's story that just didn't ring true in my heart. Yes, at one point in my life I did believe it was of divine origin. I can still accept that it may have been in some sense at least, partially "inspired" although I'm pretty sure my definition of that term wouldn't go over to well with the correlation committee. Other teachings and doctrines began to become suspect in my mind as I became more open and unafraid of my doubt. You see I have been under the impression for so long that these doubts were somehow bad. They were not from God. I was somehow unworthy if I accepted a doubt or a second thought about something. If I didn't agree with the Brethren on some point I was somehow misguided or not faithful enough. I grappled with feelings of inferiority and unworthiness for quite a few years in my life. When I came to the place in my relationship with God that allowed me to be completely open and honest, I learned that I was not bad. I learned that my different conclusions were valid, at least for me. I now believe that there are many ways to skin this particular cat.

I did mental gymnastics for years trying to square what my heart and mind told me with what the church told me on so many subjects. It was quite a balancing act! Finally, I've accepted that it's ok for me to be different. I had an experience in the Wyoming wilderness two summers ago that really helped me find peace. I had been praying a lot about my slipping testimony. I felt I had reached my conclusions honestly and sincerely, but because of the way I was taught the spirit worked, I couldn't square these conflicting beliefs with church doctrines. I stewed, fretted, and prayed. One night as Dad, Logan and I slept in our little tent on the edge of a beautiful meadow high in the Wind River Wilderness area I awoke to natures call. Once outside I climbed up on a huge boulder that sat on the edge of this meadow. The stars were magnificent! I felt engulfed in the Milky Way Galaxy. There was no moon and it felt, standing there on that rock, as if I was on the mountaintop, amidst the stars, with God all to myself. I prayed and thought and pondered and pleaded. I wanted to know if I was going astray to the everlasting detriment of my soul and my family's ruin. I pleaded with God for an answer. I got an answer. I can't claim a divine and grand manifestation of God's truth for the world. But I felt a calm inside my heart. I felt a glorious calm and peacefulness fill me that literally chased away the confusion and self doubt and questions. I didn't hear anything but I seem to feel the universe, or God, or my own inner "still small voice" enter my heart as if to say "Mark, I don't care about dogmas and doctrines, I love you, be at peace." Now I don't claim to know much about God anymore. My old dogmas have slipped away. It no longer bothers me that I don't know exactly who or what God is. I don't feel anxiety anymore about the inconsistencies and faults I find with God's "kingdom on earth." I no longer fret when I observe nutty cultural characteristics that are passed off as God's will. I feel at peace with my God and myself. I don't have to get headaches trying to figure out how the "answers" I've been taught don't always square with what I've personally observed, experienced, or considered. I think you get the picture.

I do feel anxiety and stress however. Being a Mormon all my life and being surrounded by the most wonderful people on the planet, my family (immediate and extended of course!) I now have a tricky balancing act to perform. I don't feel a need to "leave" the church. What would be the point? I'm not converted to another religion. However, Mormonism (I'm sorry, you hate that word don't you?) doesn't lend itself well to non-believers like me. I think it was no less than Jesus himself who said, "If ye are not with us ye are against us." Joseph Smith made a similar statement once. Something like (and I know I'm going to butcher this quote so bear with me) "Once a person has the gospel they can no longer be on neutral ground forever..." This religion has so much "all or nothing" built into it. "The Book of Mormon is the Keystone of our religion, if it falls, the whole thing falls and must be false and of the devil" or something to that effect has been said by several modern prophets. I would prefer to find some neutral area where I can exist.

I have been in fact, attempting to occupy neutral ground for a number of years now. It may seem wishy washy to some but it has been a survival technique for me. For example, while serving in the bishopric I never once bore testimony of the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, or anything else that I didn't feel very strongly in my heart about. I said things like "I believe that this church teaches principles that can lead us to happiness" or something else non-committal but sincere like that. I feel anxiety occupying space in this church and having everyone expect certain things of me because of this space I'm in. I feel a certain dishonesty when I ignore the elephant in the room. Most in my family have no idea it's sitting there, balancing on that stool, minding its own business! I feel in many ways like I'm living a lie. But what about the alternatives? Leave the church? I've thought about it but what about my family? I won't have Tiffany be a "single mom" at church. Hey that sounds silly, she's been an Army widow for quite some time now! Anyway, I've agonized over my state of activity when I get home. If I go back to regular church attendance and saying yes to callings folks will understandably assume certain things about me. They will see my talents and abilities (I'm trying to make a point, not brag) and call me to increased positions of authority and responsibility. If I'm not careful I'll find myself in the awkward position I was in with the bishopric a few years ago! You see, I want to sit on the fence and it's so hard! The more active I become (if the last three years experience is any guide) the more frustrated I get with the church! So, I feel anxiety now over trying to lead a double life. A life in a culture and an institution that doesn't recognize legitimate neutral ground. True or False. Black or White. God or the Devil. Alcoholic or Teetotaler. Active or Inactive (I think less active is the approved term). My life is just not able to fit into two shades right now, there's an awful lot of gray in me.

So, this epistle is not written to try to persuade you of anything with regards to your beliefs or experiences. It's merely an attempt, by me, to come to grips with this double life I've been living. Being out here, away from my life, has given me some breathing room. I've felt such a burden lifted as I've come to accept who I am. As I've come to embrace the implications of the wonderful experience I had on that rock, in the night, in the wilderness. Now I'm going through the first steps of what will be a long journey of coming clean with my family. I have no idea what this will mean in the future. I merely want to acknowledge the elephant. I want others to accept me for who I am and not some project. Some wayward sinner who has lost his way and is now a project to be lovingly shepherded back into the fold.

Now "turn about is fair play Mark", I can hear you saying. "If you want me to accept your beliefs and experiences as legitimate you must do no less for me right?" Right! I'll be happy to hear all manner of testimony bearing, scripture quoting, sacred hymn reciting and anything else that is in your heart. I truly love to hear of other's paths to peace. I respect your journey. I truly do know how you can reach such conclusions and how many of these things are sacred to you. As much as I don't think so highly of the Book of Mormon anymore I am still thrilled by the passion of Nephi's psalm "oh that I were an angel." I love the morality in King Benjamin's speech. Lehi made one of my favorite theological points. "There must needs to be an opposition in all things..." (Kind of like the oriental notion of yin and yang that I love so much!). So, I will give your testimony the respect it deserves. I must ask however that we agree to disagree on points of doctrine. Good, sincere, reasonable people really do disagree on occasion!

I thank you for lending an ear. There is an elephant in the room, religiously speaking, and I appreciate the honesty with which you and I can discuss the old pachyderm. I hope I can eventually be as honest with anyone else who cares to ask.

Love,

Mark