My parents converted to the LDS church prior to my birth and have been active members all of my life. As a child I took the teachings of the church seriously and tried my best to live all of the commandments to the fullest of my abilities. By the time I entered the MTC I had read the Book of Mormon five times cover-to-cover, the D&C several times, the Pearl of Great Price and the New Testament in their entirety, and the Old Testament extensively. The ward members where I lived had the greatest respect for me, and I had been the Deacon's and Teacher's Quorum presidents, and the First Assistant to the Bishop in the Priests Quorum. I obeyed the Word of Wisdom and the law of chastity and became an Eagle Scout.

I have always been an excellent student and a deep thinker. By my senior year in high school there were many, many colleges and universities that sought me as a student. Several scholarships were offered to me and I chose to go to a school in my home state to remain close to my family and be of help to them with their home and grounds. It seemed as if the whole world was mine, but then things changed drastically.

The fall semester following my graduation from high school, I became deeply depressed. The next few years were the most trying and the darkest time of my life. The good feelings that many of the members of my ward had toward me quickly evaporated when they learned that I was depressed. Members of my congregation seemed to think that there was some sin in my life leading to the depression and that if I would repent or try harder to live the commandments that my life would improve. The depression was intense enough that I opted to postpone my mission. That was another huge mistake in the eyes of some of the members. Of course the solution to anyone's depression is to go on a mission where you don't typically eat right, have a lousy support network, are worked to the point of extreme fatigue every day of the week, have constant rejection, and are reminded very frequently how no one measures up and that we needed to be even more righteous and work even harder.

After hesitating for a year I submitted my papers and was soon in the mission field. The depression continued as it does if it is not properly treated. As usual I was reminded how the depression was my fault for not studying enough, or not obeying the mission rules, or not working hard enough. Unfortunately for that theory I was studying very intensely, obeying all of the rules, and working as hard or harder than anyone else in the mission. As I began to look around the mission I began to notice other realities in this "experiment on the word" that seemed to indicate that the word was not what it is claimed to be. My first district leader was a fine young man with a filthy mouth, a penchant for flirting with the girls, he had an illegitimate child waiting for him at home, and he felt it necessary to tell us that he was surprised to meet one of his old sexual exploits now turned sister missionary at a zone conference. As time passed I noticed other elders that were far from what a father would hope to have in a son-in-law and surprisingly many of these missionaries where very successful and appeared to be "blessed." It soon became very evident that the correlation between righteous living and being blessed in the sense that the brethren were touting hung down around zero. True there are consequences to our actions and living a moral life has intrinsic and extrinsic rewards, but it was faith shattering to be counseled and instructed by mission leaders who never in their wildest dreams lived a life as clean as some of the people they were leading. In fact it soon became apparent that leadership callings are filled to a large degree by those who had the most baptisms even if they were the most moral of the lot.

Upon returning home I soon married and settled down with a job as a technician. We soon had several children and strived to live the commandments. More surprising things began to happen. It seemed that being a technician was not good enough. I was very good at what I did, my services were sought out within the company that I worked for, and I made a good living for my family. It soon became evident that being accepted at church had to do with what you did for a living and that it had to be in the "right field" and being a technician wasn't it. As I began to look at the church hierarchy, it became evident that many of the callings were "inspired" by socio-economic status. As a youth I had always been the leader, but my choice of occupations relegated me to follower status. This theory was inadvertently put to a litmus test that subsequently supported this theory.

After several years I decided to return to school and earn a graduate degree. Funny thing, as soon as I was accepted to graduate school many of the individuals who had snubbed the technician in the ward were now more than happy to talk to the graduate student. The type of callings that I received instantly changed as well. Let's see, successful high school student equals leadership, successful technician equals a grunt in the army of the Lord, successful graduate student equals leadership. Yep, socio-economic revelation is at work here. White-collar workers lead and blue-collar workers follow, we don't care how righteous or how intelligent you are, just who you know and what you do for a living. Sounds like a heavenly inspired system to me. "God is no respecter of persons," unless you don't fit within the little box that the church has laid out.

Throughout all of this there were other things that bothered me. Initially I discounted my questions, realizing that God knows best and that there is a purpose to all of this. It was just that I didn't understand so I had no right to question. That in and of itself became an issue with me. The gospel is supposed to contain eternal, unchanging truth but we are not allowed to question. If it truly is the truth then it will stand up any under amount of scrutiny. Only those who have something to hide do not wish people to ask questions. "The glory of God is intelligence" but only if it is the intelligence, or more correctly, the knowledge is delimited by God. The church always speaks out against communism and organized crime. Funny, they are using the same tactics that both of those types of entities utilize. The church hides any parts of the truth that don't fit its current desired image. Why did the brethren choose to hide the Hoffman forgeries? That is not in the least bit honest. Why do they not want members talking to apostates or reading their literature? Why do they excommunicate those who do not agree and are actually telling the truth about the church's past and the origins of the Book of Mormon? That type of behavior has the air of a cover up, a fraud, a den of deceit. We are asked in the temple recommend interview, "Are you honest in all of your dealings?" It is very evident from the way the brethren deal with church history that they are not honest in all of their dealings, therefore every last member of the first presidency and the quorum of the twelve are not worthy to enter the temple.

Another puzzling secrecy is the temple ceremonies themselves. At the point that I entered the temple the macabre penalties had been removed from the temple ceremony, which may prompt someone to hide the truths of the ceremony. The penalties were actually somewhat demented if you ask me. However, the "knowledge" gained there and the promises made do not warrant secrecy. The cult like ceremonies themselves would be the only thing that someone would want to hide. The temple ceremony always struck me as occult and blasphemous in its nature. The chance to think in a quite place was refreshing, but the ceremony with its signs always made me feel somewhat dark inside. It actually reminds me of the Book of Mormon's secret combinations with its secret signs. Another issue with the temple is the manipulative manner that they ceremony follows. Individuals are not told before hand what will be required of them, yet they are asked at the beginning of the ceremony if they wish to withdraw. A tough decision because first, you don't have any idea of what you are getting into and second, very few people have the fortitude to stand up and walk out of a strange setting with other people around who would be judging them for their decision. After that time passes then the strangeness and primitiveness of the ceremony is thrust upon you and individuals are asked to make promises that seem to have pretty serious consequences to them. It all reminds me of Milgram's (1963) studies concerning obedience. Most people will do what you tell them to even if they don't agree. Not an acceptable way to run a church based on moral agency. Manipulating people and backing them into corners sounds like a plan proposed by an individual named Satan.

The Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants caused me some concern early in this process as well. The Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants testify of Joseph Smith. That's really cute. His own supposed translations and revelations testify he is a prophet. Why should we believe that he actually translated the books by the power of God? Because the books he wrote said so. Being your own witness is so convenient. The Book of Mormon denounces polygamy, but the Doctrine and Covenants later supports it. Joseph Smith is given permission through himself, to himself to take other wives and other men's wives. God was talking to him so everyone needed to listen. How do we know that God was talking to Joseph Smith? Because Joseph Smith said he was. Hmmm. The same goes for our day and time. How do we know that we should support the brethren and not question? Because the brethren say that is so. OK!

Nephi's attainment of the brass plates always perplexed me as well. Granted I have known people that could imitate others voices quite convincingly. However, what about cutting off Laban's head and then wearing his clothes. I wouldn't think that it was a common thing to walk around Jerusalem with your clothes soaked in blood. Of course maybe he hung him by his feet first and then perpetrated the crime. Also why was it necessary to obtain the brass plates? Lehi and Nephi were both prophets, why didn't the Lord just instruct them to recreate the teachings contained on the plates and reveal any missing portions in their knowledge base? Lehi had been preaching to the people in Jerusalem, so he must have had a fairly sound understanding of the doctrines contained in the brass plates and should have been able to recreate most of the information himself.

When pondering the list of the three and the eight witnesses, something continually bothered me. You have many of the same people showing up on these lists that participated in other pivotal moments in the founding of the church. Additionally, many of these individuals were related. While this does not necessarily prove anything the odds of getting fewer people and related people to do Joseph Smith's lying for him would have been more likely than picking strangers off the street and achieving the same results.

As I reflected on all of these things the questions began in earnest and I began to look for more information. If Joseph Smith was a prophet and he translated the Book of Mormon then there was nothing to fear from the truth, if it was a fraud then the truth needs to be exposed. I began to read and to search the net. What I found was an eye opener. It is now obvious why the brethren do not want people to read anti-Mormon literature, because it is a fraud of grand proportions. The findings concerning DNA, metallurgy, animal husbandry, and field crops all but demolition even the slightest possibility that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. The church's information on Solomon Spaulding's writings is just a little too similar to the Joseph Smith History to be a coincidence. The frauds of the papyrus, the Egyptian alphabet, and the Kinderhook plates destroy any credibility that Joseph Smith may have had as a translator. It also appears from what others around Joseph Smith said about him that he was an incredibly immoral and dishonest individual. Whitewashing history accomplishes nothing and the truth needs to be told. Praying and convincing ourselves that a falsehood is true only makes us dupes, yes men, and weakens our ability to reason.

A bishop made the comment that no one in the church would have a reason to lie about our history. That is patently false. The brethren have a tremendous amount of liability. They accept millions and perhaps billions in tithes every year. Yes it is used to benefit others, but the premises that the faith is based on are false. They are lying to the membership about the origins of the Book of Mormon and facts about Joseph Smith's life. The LDS church was founded based on lies and deceit and that dishonesty continues today. They are in effect taking money under false pretenses and can be held liable for the same if it could be proven that they have knowledge of the lies and deception that accompanied the founding of this church.

The brethren also have a huge amount of emotional and social stock in the status quo. The leadership in the church has devoted a lifetime to building the church and spent many hours testifying of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and the status of Joseph Smith as a prophet of God. It would take a Herculean amount of emotional strength to acknowledge that they had been duped and admit that Joseph Smith wrote the Book of Mormon, that he was a very immoral man, and that he established the church for his own personal reasons.

Their social standing is also dependent upon their position within the church. If they were to admit that Joseph Smith lied and that they in turn lied to protect the organization that they lead, any trust and faith that the people of the church and the world has would be gone forever. The social repercussions for perpetrating a scheme like this on such a grand scale would be enormous.

The brethren may argue in their own minds that more harm than good would come from telling the world the truth about Mormonism. However, the church also causes a lot of pain as well by their highly restrictive policies and by pushing people beyond their limits to achieve. Additionally, they are setting a terrible precedent by implicitly saying that the ends do justify the means. The truth is becoming easier to obtain and eventually the ruse will be common knowledge. Given human nature it will take many people a long time to accept the truth about the church and some never will. However, there will come a day, perhaps not in our life times, but the authorities of the church at some point will be forced to face the truth. At that point all of the leaders that perpetuated the lie will have their name disgraced in the history books and they will look the fool to the future generations of this planet.

At this point I am on the verge of atheism as well. The whole concept of religion as outlined in canonized scripture is a puzzle. Christianity, Islam, and Judaism have similar tenets. We have a God of love and peace and if we don't believe him he is going to kill us, take our families away from us and send us to Hell. This is not just for the big sins this is for the little ones as well, because even the slightest sin separates us from God.

Within Christianity we need to be baptized to help us overcome our sins. Why baptism? Because this shows God that we have had a change of heart. How could this be so? If you are baptized and still live like a dog there has been no change. Why do we need a primitive ceremony to indicate change? Indicate change by, well, changing. That is a petty God to make people go through a ritual to return to him. Wouldn't trying to live a good life be a better metric than going through a ritual?

Additionally, why do we need a Savior? We all sin, God is mad and plans to destroy us unless someone pays with their life. So we are going to kill his oldest son and that will appease his anger and desire to destroy us. That is a pretty harsh God that requires his people to kill his son so that God can refrain from destroying everyone. People claim that this pays the penalty for our sins. I ask how? There has never been a good answer given. Bob steals a car so we are going to kill Jim to rectify the problem. I fail to see the logic in that type of thinking.

Being moral by treating others kindly is important and an indispensable part of life. But I have a very serious problem with Mormonism in particular and with religion in general. We need social support networks and society benefits when we help one another but the excess baggage of religion needs to be removed. Religion has caused as many problems as it has solved and a better way needs to be implemented.