On the "View From the Foyer" recently, a new visitor wrote:

"I have recently crossed the line from liberal mormon to no longer believing in the doctrines of the church. I was raised TBM and served a mission. My wife is still TBM and is concerned that I have spent so much time reading and researching "dangerous" questions. I am concerned about what her reaction will be if I ever tell her the conclusions I have reached. "

This is a very common experience. It was suggested that I put together a quick guide to the main issues. I hope that this helps. I will try to be brief. These issues can be discussed at great length, but we have to start somewhere.

Making sense of how you feel

• You are not alone! Most people who join the church do not stay active. Only a minority of baptisms lead to long-term belief. If you doubt, there is nothing wrong with you. The believers are the unusual ones. And the church is not the only fundamentalist church. Your experience is the same as the experience of millions of other people. Find a web site like "Walk Away from Fundamentalism" – it is all very familiar.


• How do you relate to believing members? It is helpful to recognize the five types of Mormon. First, a small minority are "genuine" Mormons. These are humble, sincere, kind, generous, tolerant, etc., and you won’t have any problems with them. Second, the vast majority are "Conservative Mormons." The church is their life even though they have never studied the doctrine or politics or history of the church in any depth. As long as you show roughly the right appearances, they are flexible and will accept you. Third are the "Orthodox Mormons." These are strongly into obedience, obedience, obedience. The slightest unconformity bothers them. Be very careful what you say around them. Fourth, we have "Nazi Mormons." These who have extreme ideas about what is doctrine, and try to go further than the prophet has said. If you have doubts about the church then you have probably felt uncomfortable around these types for a long time so can safely ignore them. Fifth and last are "Liberal Mormons." These are the ones who accept that there has been bad stuff in the church, but find a way to believe anyway. They are your friends. They will help you. And then there are the ex-Mormons. If you see them as evil "anti"s then you are probably not ready to leave the church. If you see them as ordinary people like you, then you are probably an "exmo" in your heart. Why fight it?


• Is life confusing? Metaphors may help things make sense. Many of us see the prophet like the Wizard of Oz. The church is a Great and Marvelous thing as long as we do not "look behind the curtain." Or the church is like the film The Matrix. You can choose the red pill or the blue pill, the Ensign or the Internet. Or the church is like The Emperor’s New Clothes. When we look at the racism, sexism, inability to translate, DNA problems, and lies about polyandry, we come to a point where we say "the emperor has no clothes!" Yet people around us (the believers) say how beautiful the clothes are, and only the weak or foolish cannot see them.


• If you openly question the church, then believers will assume that you have been deceived (by reading too much "anti" material) or you are just trying to justify your sins. Be ready for this. It is how believers cope. Do not blame them.


• Try a different paradigm. If you are raised in the church, then questioning it is very difficult. You will not have good answers. Worse, you will be very badly prepared for the process of seeing the church in a different way. You will make more mistakes than you need to., So read a book like Michael Shermer’s "Why People Believe Weird Things." It will give you a new perspective, and hence more options. It also answers the question "what about all those clever people at FARMS? They still believe!"

Gaining confidence

• Doubts are good. Doubts are healthy. Truth has nothing to fear from doubts. Doubts are how we tell good from evil. You may be conditioned to see your doubts as a falling away – suggesting that you are going downwards. It may be helpful to see yourself as climbing upwards towards the light. And remember that the Mormon church is not the only church or philosophy that claims light, truth, strong families, and the rest. There are plenty of other lights to choose from, many of them with much stronger claims to truth. So your doubts are healthy, they can lead you to better things.


• Are you having doubts about your doubt? That is normal. You are entering unfamiliar territory, so naturally you are scared. you are like a domestic animal whose cage has been opened. At first it is scary. But slowly, tentatively, you will explore and get used to this strange new sensation – freedom to choose your own beliefs. And there are so many beliefs out there! If you trust the spirit, follow the spirit. If you trust reason, follow reason. Either way, you have no need to fear.

Finding friends

• Web resources can be very helpful. If you just need some support, and you don’t want people who attack the church, find "The Folk Of The Fringe." They will help. If you believe that some things in the church are wrong, but you still want to attend, try the "New Order Mormons." If your family wants you to come to church but you don’t like it, try "View From The Foyer." If you don’t have to attend, but you still need help, try "Recovery From Mormonism." Or try them all and see which (if any) feels comfortable. If they are all too "anti" for you, then stay in church and find a Liberal Mormon in your stake. Help is out there.

Your marriage

• If you seriously doubt the church, then should you tell your wife (or husband) about your doubts? If your position is not changing, you can afford to bide your time (for years if necessary) and say nothing. This is the safest way, but sometimes you change even though you do not intend to. If your position is changing, your partner needs to know. They will notice the changes, and denying it will not help. Sometimes it is better to face up to it.


• See it from their point of view. If their whole life has been defined by the church, and they see you distancing yourself from the church, they may get very scared.


• Is your married life hell right now? Take a long-term perspective. Change is very hard. We all make mistakes and say and do things we regret. But change in the direction of truth is worth it, long term. Things will get better. We have all (those of us who frequent these web sites) been through this.


• Let your partner know where your beliefs are based now. They will probably be scared that, without the church, you will drift and have no moral standards. If you believe in Jesus, say so, and emphasise this often. If you have common beliefs, emphasize these.


• Talk! Talk. And listen. If your marriage has problems, you need to talk. You may need to close your mouth and count to ten first. But you do need to talk.


• Do not debate unless you can agree that logic must rule. Very often one side argues from the position of faith, and the other side argues from the position of logic. Nobody wins those kinds of debates. If you think a loved one might be persuaded, buy them a copy of Grant Palmer’s "An Insider’s View" and let them make up their own mind.


• Keep it simple. If you do discuss problems in the church, keep it simple. You may be ready for the details, but most believers are not. A single well-chosen example might make them think. A hundred examples will make them label you as a raving "anti." Many people find that Joseph Smith and 14 year old girls is the image that sticks in the mind. For other people it is that much less than one percent of the church’s income goes to good causes. Choose your topics wisely.


• Think of the children (if you have any). Do you want to bring them up in the church? If you decide to stay even though you do not believe, what will that do to them? Will they have to struggle like you struggled? Will they be taught sexual equality in the church? What if they learn of the church’s racist past and try to defend it? What if a child of yours believes that they are gay? What if they decide their parent is a hypocrite? What if they go on a mission and marry in the temple but their heart is not in it? What if they end up depressed (they are statistically more likely to in the church)? There are many questions. You need to think them through before deciding to speak or to stay quiet.


• Face the abyss. Face your fears. If the church is everything to your partner, any doubts on your part may drive them away from you. This is always a possibility. But avoid black and white thinking. Even if this "worst case scenario" happens, there are always other choices. Divorce is not the only option. You can choose to be friends on different terms. You can choose to date and woo each other again as new people. You can choose to be patient and see other good things in life. You always have choices, there is no need to despair. And non-LDS marriage counsellors can help. Shop around. Some are better than others.

Take control of your life

• You are not trapped. You can never say "I had no choice." Remember that people only have as much power over you as you choose to give them. And you don’t have to tell anybody why you do or believe what you do. What you do and what you believe is your own business. You will have to answer for it, not anybody else. Even if you choose to obey a church, that is your decision to obey. So you are always in control. "Just following orders" is not an excuse. Habit and previous (often bad) decisions are no excuse. Learn to trust yourself. Learn to like yourself, warts and all.


• Some people choose to stay as members even though they do not believe like the prophet does. Many of these read Sunstone magazine. If you choose to stay, emphasize this to your loved onese. As long as they can rely on you being active, everything else is secondary to a believer.


• Be true to yourself. If you are happy in yourself, you can be happy in your marriage. If you are not happy in yourself, your marriage cannot be happy. Sure, you are not the person you were when you got married. Everyone changes. Change is good – all living things change. What matters is how we handle those changes.

Be positive

• Finally, and most important, be as positive as possible. Show your loved ones how your views are good, and better than before. This will not be easy – believers are conditioned to think that any move away from the church must be a move towards sin, alcoholism, pornography, drug abuse, violence, and so on. They needs to see that this is not true. Show increased love. Do more things with the family. However you change, whatever you do, make sure that (long term and on average, because everyone makes mistakes) your new direction is for the better.